I’m Tired

Attempting To Understand This Life

I never expected to be where I am now. I didn’t know it would be like this. When I was younger I thought I was normal. I thought I was like every other kid. Over time I began to realize little by little that I wasn’t so normal. I started to feel like I was different. Sure the way I treated other kids for the most part was kind and polite. I thought I was applying how my parents taught me to treat others. I thought I was doing the right thing.

As I got older I became more and more different. I just felt it. I always felt separate. Sure I had friends but it seems like every few years those groups would change. I changed schools in order to seek better opportunities. Although sometimes challenging it was more comfortable changing then it was staying stuck in the same place. Change was always exciting to me in that regard. It always meant that I would have a fresh start. It felt like maybe things would be different.

Throughout my life I began to be “measured” much like everyone else. The school system of course has its “metrics”. We all get graded based on our ability to complete certain tasks, usually in the form of graded paperwork. It’s funny because looking back on it now, although not so much for myself, but for others, I feel like their adult lives still consist of “graded paperwork”. I can only imagine how exhausting that might feel.

It is funny because no one ever stopped to wonder how much conditioning was going on. Think about how crushing that big red “F” felt. The one letter that stood for “FAILURE”. Think about how healthy that was for our little developing minds. Hey guess what, you didn’t understand this concept, therefore you “failed”.

I remember the pressure of school and the constant comparison to my peers. The vision of school was so narrow. You either did very well and had “potential” or you struggled and people had a sense of “concern”. It almost seemed back then like their were only two options to live in this world. Pass or fail, that was it.

I remember how stressful school was, again on a young brain it had to be extremely “healthy”. ( If you only you could hear my sarcasm.) Knowing now how important the first seven years of a child’s life is, I can’t believe the things that I was forced to focus on. Sure I get it, we have to learn language, math, all of the basic “societal” functions. We learn most of those things and focus on them just to end up changing them down the road, or forgetting them altogether.

Metrics were always so important. I mean how else can you measure the power and potential of a future human being? I mean there can’t be anything else right? I mean very few people get paid these days for something like emotional intelligence. I mean its not like emotional intelligence can be the difference between a riot and people taking each others lives, and coexistence and peace. I mean unity can’t be that important amongst the entire world. Could you imagine if the entire world worked together in harmony? Could you imagine the chaos? Again, sarcasm intact. I hope you can appreciate it.

My point is at 29 I am here in a room writing this. I’m not getting paid for it, but maybe one day I will. I have taught myself a lot of things including how to create this sight. It wasn’t the hardest thing in the world, especially because it is designed to be “turnkey” for all that wish to build one. However, I still feel like it counts as some form of a skill. Again, how do you measure something that someone does outside of a job or particular infrustructure or system?

My point is that so many of us especially with the way technology is constantly evolving, we have so many skills. We learn so many things on our own yet we still struggle to make enough money, or to find ways to monetize, or learn how to get to a point of peace in life. We are taught so many things but often times never the things that truly benefit us or the the things that truly matter. Why is that?

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