Work In Progress

So it has been a while since I have blogged and to be honest probably too long. I needed this because lately, I have been overthinking more than I should. I work on the weekends so during the week I have time to think and to try to self educate. The hardest part is not overthinking. I know other people say work as much as you can, save, “you aren’t doing anything better with your time right?” Well, that’s what I’m not sure of. Am I wasting time by having time to myself to think, to question, to grow?

It is interesting because I have seen some people say work work work and then they ended up getting a serious illness that could have been fatal, like cancer. I see some people who probably have a good amount of money but no time to spend it. I see other people who fall in between. I guess the real question is what matters? For me I have time, not a ton of money, at least not yet, so is that a bad thing? My goal is to find myself and to not settle for the status quo. Why is that so bad? Or at least, why do I feel like I should be punishing myself with more work or more “hustle”, more “grind”?

I know some would say that I need to take my opportunities and work more and save the most, but I can’t help but not want to do what I already have done before. I know me, and I know how regular jobs have made me feel in the past. I’m not saying there aren’t some fun jobs out there but in my area they are hard to come by, which is why I wanted to work for myself in the first place. It is why I got into DJ’ing, I wanted to do something at least close to a passion without a college degree and without the normal constraints of a nine to five grind.

With my time, I think a lot, I question this life, this world, and my own relationship with it. I question my friendships and my relationships with other people. I analyze my strengths and weaknesses, I see where I can improve and where I keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome. I have become more aware, I have become more self-disciplined in a lot of ways. I guess what I’m asking for almost is permission to be myself because sometimes it almost feels as if I’m not allowed to. It feels like I owe the world and my “future wife”(I’m still single mind you) some “normal” “safe” version of myself, that quite frankly, I don’t know how to be anymore!

This past week or two weeks has been hard. I get down on myself because I judge myself based on the societal pressures and norms that were once almost forced upon me. Even when it comes to dating it’s hard because I feel like a woman looks right at me and expects me to have it all together like they do, or like they sometimes portray. Or at least, what they consider “success” to be. I’m 28. Most of my life I’ve worked part time low income jobs because they always worked well with school. I spent most of my time in school. For the first time in my life I’m going in a new direction so forgive me if I don’t have it “all together” yet, I’m trying.

I know not everyone thinks like this, and if anything it is probably just my own insecurities creating these judgments, I know a lot of you have my back. It’s just hard. I mean I’ve only been on my “new journey” of finding myself for probably a year and a half out of my entire life. If anything, I have made a lot of progress. A year from now, who knows what will happen. Something tells me though, it’s going to be good! I don’t know why but years ago I feel like turning 28 was going to be a tremendous year for growth and success. My birthday was in October so I have a while to prove what I hope for, to be true. In the meantime, I’ll just stay the course. Thanks for listening, and thanks for letting me vent. I have just had some things that I wanted to get off of my chest.

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